I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
