I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Naked. naked and bneed help.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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