I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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