Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
