Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
