My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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