If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
This house was built for laser tag.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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