Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
