hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I supernannyed him into submission
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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