i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
