My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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