I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
