Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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