How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Randomize
