Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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