a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
