Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
