You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
