did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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