So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
im six kinds of drunk right now
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
