Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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