I cut my penus on the lid.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
