Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Drunk is a universal language darling
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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