I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
He had one of those small greek statue penises
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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