So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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