I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
