Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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