The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
