I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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