Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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