I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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