I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
