And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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