don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
