Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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