Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
A+ Viking dick
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
