So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
two words: eviction party
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
there is puke in my bra ... again
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
