my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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