just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
