i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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