My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
two words: eviction party
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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