i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
