Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
