Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
