Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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