You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
