I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
