I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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