sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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