Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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