I wanna bring you to show and tell
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
